Mall Staff...With a Vengeance

While ringing up random overpriced electronic novelty items the other day, it occured to me that my coworkers and I would make up a perfect ensemble cast to some cheap Summer action flick:

NICK-young, enthusiastic Italian stereotype who curses with creativity; dreams of someday becoming a NY cop

RANDY-snippy gay store manager; control freak

JILLIAN-sassy thirty-something black lady who writes scripts and raises funds for the Louis Armstrong Foundation; body builder (actually hauls massage chairs around the stock room for us)

HERTHA-spry 82 year old actual Holocaust survivor; often gets worried about loosing her job and roams around the store calling herself "the wandering Jew"

JOHN-uptight, ultra square middle aged guy who probably still lives with his mom; likely to crack really lame jokes, suggest giving ourselves up, and (later in the flick) yell "we're all gonna die! game over, man!" and panick when we are supposed to be hiding, thus drawing attention to us all

BRYAN-average Joe type, wholesome, but not so wholesome as to become cloying or to have no sense of humor; good candidate for love interest

For lack of Hollywood connections that would enable them to cast some big name lead for this movie, they cast me. Sure, there is never any real lead in ensemble casts, thats what makes them "ensemble." But there are always a few characters that you immediately peg as most likely to survive this movie, and so in your mind, they become the leads. I choose me, and possibly Bryan.

Ultra square John will stick around just long enough to become a liability in a chase scene, or to sell us out to the bad guys, then get killed because he panicks and runs when he should wait and hide. The presence of Hertha will inevitably compound our situation, because she cannot swim through underground waterways or scale rock walls or jump from one moving car to another. We might even fight amongst ourselves over whether to go the long way or just leave her behind and go the short (but non-senior citizen friendly) way. Nick, John, and Randy will want to leave her behind. I of course will defend the sweet old lady and stay behind when everyone else wants to ditch her. I mean, she survived the HOLOCAUST, PEOPLE!!! When I say this, Bryan will sigh, exasperated, and say "ok, well I'm staying too." This will endear him to me and inspire me to kiss him later in the movie just before we do something dangerous. Jillian will offer to stay as well. Because she is so usefull, what with her freakish upper-body strength, everyone else will want to go with us then. I'll let Jillian live for this, and because she is just so darn sassy.

Maybe I will let John live, because, now that I think about it, Randy is much more likely to sell us out to the bad guys. But maybe I only think that because of the corporate sell-out stench that he exudes. (sell-out) Maybe John will discover Randy's part in our plight, and Randy will kill John. In any event, I think John dies. And Randy. Maybe Nick kills Randy. Perhaps Nick is an ex of mine, who in a majorly redeeming act, sacrifices himself near the end of the movie so that the rest of us can get away.

My point is, Bryan has a sexy tush. I don't think I'll ever have any pretext to squeeze it, unless the mall were suddenly beset by zombies or terrorists or simultaneous tornadoes and blizards or we were all stranded in an underground tunnel cave-in.