Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Tales From the Park Side

So, here's me, pushing the baby in her stroller through the park which is beautifully situated around the resevoir about five minutes from my house. I am wearing jeans, a three-quarter tee shirt, white sneakers and a ponytail that suggests I am a perky and playful young mommy, out doing healthy Mommy things:

La, La, stroll, stroll. I can't believe I don't do this more! I could really get in the habit of doing this! What a great day to be outside! What a great day to take advantage of this great park! I think I'll stroll all the way across the bridge to the other playground, that's how great I feel!

Oh, lookey! Other mommies and thier kids! They look kind of nice! I really need to meet more moms. Maybe I'll make a friend! Ok, lets just use this baby swing that just so happens to be near them...

Wholesome Other Mommy #1: I mean, when it comes right down to it, women just need to feel secure in a relationship, period. Like, no matter how burned the food is, or how nutty she gets, she needs to know she is loved.

W.O.M. #2: Totally.

Right, right, I'm with you on that...

W.O.M. #1: ...and what I didn't understand before is that the man just needs to know that he is respected.

W.O.M. #2: Right!
W.O.M. #3: Right!

...Ok, we all want respect....

W.O.M. #1: I mean, I know the whole "he's the head and I'm the heart" thing-


W.O.M. #1: -but what I really had to understand was that he will only feel safe giving me the unconditional love that I am waiting for, and I will only really deserve it-


W.O.M. #1: -if I just let it go, break the stubborn cycle first, and unconditionally submit.


W.O.M. #2: Wow. What a great blessing that God has given you the opportunity to learn that now, instead of later, when it's harder.

W.O.M. #1: Oh, my gosh. So. True.

W.O.M. #3: And it's such a comfort when you finally accept that. Like lately, I've been pushed so far with Mike, like, we don't want to do things together, or watch the same things or eat the same food, and I've even had all these thoughts like, are we even compatable? But finally, I had a breakthrough, when I realized that, like, we're married! It doesn't even matter!

W.O.M. #2: Right! You make this committment, and that's what that means. You have to make it work, one way or another, so all of that stuff-what he wants, what you want- it doesn't really matter!

It'll matter when, like, Mike leaves your ass for someone who does want to see the third Resident Evil movie while eating pulled pork out of the pool boy's belly button, or whatever it is that Mike has in mind...

W.O.M. #3: I tell you, it's just ME that gets in the way, and there is such peace in getting my whole...self...out of the equation.

Yeah. That kind of peace is called being dead.

W.O.M. #1: Knowing this really makes you greatful for all the blessings we have, right?

Actually, it really makes me want to go put on my Betty Paige shirt and burn some bras or something. C'mon Baby. Lets go over there where you can eat some leaves and I can read you a few Vagina Monologues.


  1. This is hilarious.

    I love the Stepford wives holy fuck part.

    Also, I'm sure they're finding peace now, but wait until dude leaves her and she is lost because she based her identity on this other person.

  2. yeah, and doesn't know how to do anything else. I know you have to work really hard for it, but "feeling blessed" is not a marketable skill, ladies.

  3. And I'm sure it's SO ATTRACTIVE to your husband that you totally base who you are on him.

    Although, depending on the man, he may find it attractive...

  4. yeah, and for a second, I thought I'd stumbled upon the greater Souderton Area S&M club, or something.

    A very short, quasi-hopefull second.