Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Hardcore Trannies Suck the Big D!!!!

Ok, I lied. Although, I'm sure some Tranny somewhere is sucking the Big D in a hardcore fashion. It is statistically probable, anyway. I wonder who gets paid to sit there and come up with spam subject lines. Cause I could do that for money. I could do that all day. Ahem.

"barely legal hotties in their first orgy ever!"

"Bisexual housekeepers get kinky on the kitchen table!!"

"Mature MILFs show the young guys how it's done while donkeys watch and munch carrots! Caught on tape!!"


Wenkwuss Update: Since last I blogged, Wenkwuss has been very polite to me. Exceedingly polite. Heartbreaking, tip-toe-ing, doesn't-want-to-be-kicked-again polite. The other day, he politely let it slip that he has spent time "in the joint." I heard him asking this waitress if she likes bad boys. I don't know whether to laugh, or laugh harder.

So who can guess what the things on this list have in common?

  • Char Mar
  • Butternut
  • Wompenog
  • Sparkleberry
  • Menonite
  • Col. WIlliam Widewees

The first person who guesses correctly gets a prize!

It's Like Shooting Fish That are TIED TO YOUR GUN

Round 1

Phone: Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring!!!!
Me: (*fixing a salad*) Hey, could you get the phone?
Wide-Eyed New Kid With Underdeveloped Social Skills: HAHA! Not it!!
Me: Actually, I think you are it.
W.E.N.K.W.U.S.S.: nope! (*walks away*)
Me: fine. (*answers phone*)

Round 2

Pizza: *is being cut by Wenkwuss*
Wenkwuss: *walks away, mid-cut*
Me: *picks up pizza knife to finish cutting abandoned pizza*
Wenkwuss: *meanders back several pizzas later* Oh, what?!?! Now you're stealing my job? Bitch!
Me: Excuse me, Wenkwuss, but you do not know me well enough to use that word with me. If you did, you'd know it wasn't a good idea. (*chops pizza, drops knife*)
Wenkwuss: Whatever. bitch.

Round 3

Me: *sweep sweep sweep*
Wenkwuss: Yeah, that's right. You do that so I don't have to do it later.
Me: *sweeps cheese and meaty bits into the laces of his new white shoes*
Wenkwuss: ....You don't like me all that much, do you?
Me: As a matter of fact, I don't.
Wenkwuss's Elaborately Erected Sense of Identity: *is shocked beyond the point of inteligible speech, has not faced this sort of rejection since the night of Junior Prom*
Wenkwuss: What? Why?
Me: *sweep sweep*
Wenkwuss: Do you think I'm annoying?
Me: Yes. Extremely.
W.E.E.S.I.: *has heard this before*

Round 4-28

Wenkwuss: How am I annoying?
Me: Take an educated guess; Ask someone else; It's mostly your face; Leave me alone; etc.
WEESI: *is scorching brain cells trying to figure this one out*

Round 29

Wenkwuss: Oh yeah? If I'm annoying, you're a BITCH!
Me: That's a snappy retort you have yourself, there. Use it often?
WEESI: *thought he was being clever*
Wenkwuss: Well....I'd rather be annoying than a BITCH!!
Me: Opinions vary.
Wenkwuss: *shoots his best 'now you're on my list' glare, stalks away*
My Brain: *has already thought of seven things more threatening than Wenkwuss*

They're both mulch, no one wins the race.

This is Carl's John Deer.

He rides it around the yard, mowing things, whenever he gets the chance. The other day, I walked up to him while he was sitting on the mower. I glaced down and saw this:

And I said, "what, do you flip the switch and put down the heavy turtle blades when you're not mowing rabbits?"

Monday, July 18, 2005

In Other News

This is our pickle. Or, more accurately, our cucumber.

Long and girthy, no? We came out to the garden one day and found the cucumber plant gesturing rudely at the other plants and the neigbor children with it's new growth. I should have really posed it next to a porsche, or a monster truck with inappropriately large tires, or a hot blonde so as to demonstrate the extreme...adequacy of our cucumber.

If it weren't for all the sharp nubbly bumps all over it....never mind.

Ahem...A Post.

Bethany regarding War of the Worlds:
"It was totally worth it, just to see Tom Cruise sucked up the inverted alien space-anus."

(and I concur.)

Jason, regarding Charlie and the Chocolate Factory:
"I can't wait to see how Depp plays Micheal Jackson...I mean...Willy Wonka."

(as a creepy jerk with an eye-twitch, bad-daddy issues, and flashbacks. It was pretty cool, even though it might as well have been MJ.)

George from Live 8, or as Carl calls him, Shaven Yak Boy, regarding Episode III:
" was awesome...but what I really want to see is a flash animation pitting Yoda against Gandolf. Cause that would totally kick ass. Like, no one has ever done it!! Like how no one has ever written a script with a vampires-vs.-dragons scene! That is, no one until me. Want to read my script?? Why don't you call me sometime? We could go see Fantastic Four...?"

Yeah, so at my mom's house this past Friday night, I was drinking a bit and having a loud good time with her friends and some other folks. My mom's friend Rose comes out with my cell phone, which had apparantly been ringing, and hands it to me, saying, "it's George." What the crap, Rose.

Don't you know that I have been avoiding his phone calls ever since I came down off of the Live 8 buzz and realized that I really don't want to talk to geeks who write Magik the Gathering scripts in thier spare time, no matter how nice thier abs, not to mention thier pecs were? That I have since gotten over whatever cloud of drugs I walked through before I started chatting this guy up and got his number? I don't want to talk to George!! Especially while half-lit! Especially after I haven't returned his phone calls in over a week! *sigh*

So I talked to him. And appologized for ignoring him. And let it drop that I have a b/f. I think I might have actually said "b/f." And I slid it in all casually, not blunt at all, like "I shouldn't talk to you. I have a b/f." Smooth, huh?

On the plus side, I got to see the new Zorro trailer this weekend. I wonder if the theater would consider muting all the parts where Antonio Bandaras or Catherine Zeta-Jones is not speaking. I would actually pay money to see it then. It looks as good as Mr. and Mrs. Smith, insofar as it is cast entirely with hot people and has something for everyone to touch themselves over. Not that I do that. In movie theaters. Before nine pm.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

And You Fell For It, Sir.

Beligerant Old Man: (opens door) You see this coupon? It's for two dollars off the pizza you don't make anymore.

Pizza Delivery Girl: Yes, I see.

Beligerant Old Man: Well, I don't think you should advertise pizzas you don't make on coupons you can't use, so this is the coupon I'm using.

PDG: You see sir, it's called "bait and switch." We lure you into believing that you can order the barbecued chicken pizza, but then at the last minute, foist some other, inferior pizza upon you. It's all an elaborate scheme to trick you into taking less desireable pizzas off our hands.

Beligerant Old Man: Whatever, this is the coupon I'm using.

PDG: You could just use the "two dollars off anything over $10" coupon right next to it...

Beligerant Old Man: No. (*hands me the entire coupon sheet anyway*) Oh, and there's a delivery charge, too, isn't there?!?

PDG: Yes, sir. $1.25.

Beligerant Old Man: IN THAT CASE, I'm not tipping you.

PDG: Ok, don't.

Beligerant Old Man: I'm not.

PDG: Then don't.

Beligerant Old Man: I don't think I should tip you if there is a delivery charge.

PDG: Well, you see, sir, I don't really see a cent of that delivery charge. Every penny goes to my company's Anti-American Anti-Freedom Communist fund. When you called us up, your phone number and name, along with the names of your children and immediate family, were all automatically listed in our system alongside other Anti-American Anti-Freedom Communists in the area. Your information has been sent to some of the top Communist leaders in this country and abroad. Fidel Castro is probably reading your file right now. Someone should be contacting you shortly with a roster of Anti-American Anti-Freedom events, and literature on how you can help the Anti-American Communists fight freedom in your neighborhood. Thank you for you contribution, commerade, and have a nice day.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

8 Best things about Live 8

8. the two guys who saw the Green Day show from Berlin being played on the big screens and proceeded to elbow and climb their way as close to the stage as possible, getting pretty darn far before someone informed them that Green Day was not actually there...they were in Berlin. Idiots.

7. The fact that every one of the million people there knew every single word to the "Fresh Prince" song, got inordinately excited when Will Smith started singing it, and proceeded with a million-person rendition, most while dancing "Fresh" little jigs.

6. The amazing Greek food that has not yet given me food poisoning.

5. a. The crazy Scientologists handing out fliers with "War of the Worlds" scenes on them.
b. The crazy communist hippies handing out "End the Bush Regime" stickers. (Who wore one on her arm all day? this guy.)

3. I went somewhere by myself and did something cool. And met new and interesting people. And got this hot guy's phone number even though he's a "script writer"/insulation man from Glenolden who waxes his chest "because he has to, for work."

2. The cause, duh.

1. Maroon 5 doing "Keep on Rockin in the Free World." Totally kick-ass.

Friday, July 01, 2005

Peasblossom Cute

Carl and I have been working on a garden at his house. I am completely amazed at the growth taking place before my eyes. I am learning so much about plants and dirt and worms (Idontlikethem)...I mean, did you ever think about what broccoli looks like before it gets hunted down in the fields and smashed into your Lipton Cheezy Rice and Broccoli packet?? I hadn't. Each plant has a different personality, a different way of asserting's just so interesting. Take the turnips and zucchini, for example. If the punky turnips

and the lumbering, but muscular zucchini

ever got together, we would totally be getting 3am knocks on the door from disgruntled vegetation looking to score some beer and broads. Which they would promptly make away with. However, they would probably be mugged ten minutes later and left for dead by the wiley tomatoes.

Don't fuck with the tomatoes. One of the littler tomatoes decided to fuck with the alpha tomato, and now it swiftly on its way to being dust under the alpha's studded alligator boots.

I find the cucumber blossoms pretty, yet terrifying with their terrantula stems...

and we are all very proud of the beets.

But my favorite plant of all is the snap-pea. The peas have delicate little tendrils that creep out and snag anything within reach, which usually means they snag each other and hold each other in an adorable, tangled-up pea-hug. They have the most beautiful, tiny white blossoms...

and delicious, vivid green pods...

and I don't think we've managed to cook one yet. They go right from the garden to our bellies.

For some reason, I didn't think that any of this gardening would work. My logic-box didn't believe that the simple act of sticking an inanimate seed in the dirt and pouring water on it would produce recognizable etables. I would have just as soon believed that the bread and wine is literaly transformed into the flesh of a 2000 years-dead man. I am completely floored that the turnips and peas and tomatoes that I helped put into the ground as insignificant seeds are now living, writhing, food-bearing plantlife. As far as I'm concerned, I've witnessed a major miracle.