I was actually WAY more heartbroken when I turned 20 than I am at this moment, which makes no sense at all, because when I was 20, so was my ass. Seriously. What can you possibly be so devastating when you have the ass of a 20-year old?
Most of my friends (including my guy and my mom) are older than me, so I already know by observation that 30 (or 40 or 50) does not come with revelations, an extra shot of knowing everything (like I need it), or even magically having your shit together. Neither-thank god that I have fun people in my life-does it seem to mean that things stop happening to you and your life is suddenly a suck-crap-borefest.
In the shower this morning (by myself-my birthday present from Wendy, who says that yes, grown up women should be allowed to take showers by themselves on their birthdays if they want to), I couldn't help speculate, and I do feel it- I have arrived.
It isn't what I thought it would be. I thought there would be more suits. I thought it would take more expensive cocktails and important looking shoes and networking to get me to 30. But this is what I mean-I have very recently let go of a lot of "supposed to"s about myself, and I am living more in my truth, just like Oprah tells me I should. I am learning to get out of my own way. I am acknowledging what I actually want, and as it turns out, these things do not involve uncomfortable name-brand shoe shopping. I should have known.
I am letting myself be more creative. I am giving myself permission to evolve, and be happy. These are things that I did not know how to do when I was 20.
In addition, I have inspected my ass, and it is still decent. It is not quite as perky as that of a teenager, but the mirror didn't break, and I did not run screaming. I think I will be okay.
These are my birthday wishes:
1. That my life will always be as full as it is right now. The kids, the projects, the needs, the wants, the pets, the drive to create, the love. Bring it.
2. That I will spend more time with my friends.
3. That there will be cake. And possibly a tropical flavored drink with much booze and maybe a ridiculous garnish. (Where I have arrived, there are still cocktails.)