Monday, December 06, 2004

Confessions of an Ineffective Quitter

I thought I had effectively quit my mall job. I really did. I thought that giving two weeks notice meant that, at the end of two more weeks of work, one was no longer expected to show up.

Imagine my surprise when I arrive to work on Saturday, my last day, to find that I was somehow scheduled for the following (this) week. "but...but," I whimpered to myself, "but....I quit!" The customers kept rolling in, however, and there was no time to seek explanation. Customer after crazed customer approached the counter, bringing their purchases and their money and their obligatory distain for lowly cashiers such as myself.

Crazed shopper #1: What does this microbeam do that the other ones don't do?
Lowly cashier: It blinks red as well as providing a blinding blue light for your keychain. But the batteries are old, so you can't really see it.
Crazed shopper #1: Ok, I see that the red blinks, but what else?
Lowly cashier: There is usually a blue light. The batteries are dying, so you can't really see it.
Crazed shopper #1: Uh huh...wait, where did the blinking light go? It's not off, but nothing is happening!
Lowly cashier: You have it set on the blue light, but nothing is happening, as the batteries are dead.
Crazed shopper #1: (*tosses microbeam to the counter sullenly*) I guess everything in this store is cheap crap.

Assistant Manager Bryan, passing through, glances at the schedule: Hey, I thought you quit.
Lowly cashier: I thought I effectively quit. Apparantly it didn't stick. And you have a big forehead.

Crazed shopper #2: I need these gloves in a Large. (*hands me two sets of gloves*)
Lowly cashier: Both of them?
Crazed shopper #2: (*sigh*) Nooooo, I want to own those, and I need those in a Large. (pointing)
Lowly cashier: Ok, I'll go look for these, you hang on to those so I don't loose them (*attempts to hand the shopper the gloves that he wants to own*)
Crazed shopper #2: *blink* *blink* (*gives look to wife that clearly states, 'what is with this girl?? Doesn't she know that I don't carry things??'*)
Lowly cashier: Ok, here you them(*thrusts the must-own gloves into his limp hands*)
Crazed shopper #2: (*flings gloves at wife in discust*)
Lowly cashier: Or she can hold them. Whatever.

Bryan: (*sarcasm*) You know, I'll miss you when you're gone. I will.
Lowly cashier: No, Bryan, I'll miss you. You and you're girly eyelashes.
Bryan: Well, at least I'm not ineffective.
Lowly cashier: Bryan, you complete me.

Crazed shopper #3: Wait, I need a gift receipt!
Lowly cashier: I'm sorry, but I would have had to put that into the register before the transaction.
Crazed shopper #3: What do you mean, before the transaction?? I need a gift receipt now!
Lowly cashier: I'm sorry, ma'am, but you have to ask for that before I ring you up, as indicated by the big bold sign, not two inches from your face.
Crazed shopper #3: Weeell, I still need a gift receipt!!!
Lowly cashier: Weeeell, you can return the items and then re-buy them with a gift receipt, but I'd have to get a manager over here.
Randy, passing through and cranking up the Christmas tunes: How's it going, crew??
*Hark how the bells*
Lowly cashier: Randy, I'm not coming in tomorrow, just thought you should know.
*Sweet silver bells*
Randy, walking away from me: Oh yeah, why's that??
*All seem to say*
Lowly cashier: Because I quit.
*Throw cares away*
Randy, still walking: What was that?
*Christmas is here*
Lowly cashier: I quit, Randy, two weeks ago!
*Bringing good cheer*
Randy, over his shoulder: Sorry, didn't catch that!
*To young and old*
Lowly cashier: I QUIT!!!
Bryan: SHE QUIT!!!!
*Meek and the bold*
Lowly cashier: Thanks for the assist. You're a peach. A fuzzy peach bottom. That's what you are.
Bryan: Aww...thats sweet. And freaking me out. Is it really that bad here? All....three weeks you've been working here?
Lowly cashier: Two months. Two soul-sucking months of my life that I will never get back.
Bryan: Wow. That's harsh. I've been working here for more than a year, and I don't hate it that much.
Lowly cashier: Well, Bryan, you have no soul.
Bryan: I thought I was a fuzzy peach bottom.
Lowly cashier: That too. But soul-less. You can't help it. I don't hold it against you.
Random customer: I suspect he has a soul....
Lowly cashier: No. He doesn't.
Soon after, my quitting was made more effective. And there was rejoicing throughout the land.

No comments:

Post a Comment