Monday, February 14, 2005


Unlike my usual can of whup-ass that I open around noon-thirty, I decided to try out one of those soup-at-hand jobbies that Campbells puts out. I have actually tried them before, and been underwhelmed, but I am running out of ideas for the lunches that I have been ever-so-industriously packing for myself every morning. As I contemplated these little microwaveable soup sippy-cups at the store, I recalled my last experience with said product. I remembered slurping down a big mouthfull of lumpy Cream of Broccoli during the ten minute break of a night class, and then almost hurling it back up on my professor's shoes, as it was the raunchiest thing I had ever swallowed.

(and I've swallowed some raunchy stuff har har shut up.)

Anyway, I contemplated this, and chose vegetable. I threw it in my lunch box today with a PB & J and a string cheese. A nice, wholesome, Anthony Michael Hall c. 1985 kind of lunch.

Which I splattered all over my computer and desk. You see, these sippy cups are opened by pull-tab. A very springy pull-tab, as I discovered, liable to fling greasy orange goo in a horror-show spray of horror across your entire work space. I had soup on my monitor, soup on all my very important sticky notes, soup dripping down in-between my keyboard keys; it was utter carnage.

I then tried to wipe the soup from my monitor, but the grease had mixed with the inevitable dust and formed a paste. I now report to you that this paste is IMPOSSIBLE to remove from anything without cleaning product, and that you will smear this paste around your desk indefinitely (much to the amusement of your co-workers) until you finally break down and go find some 409 in the bathroom, so you'd be better off if you never ate Soup-at-Hand anywhere near a computer or dust or really at all, ever.

The end.


  1. for some reason this reminds me of that assplosion story we read so many years ago together on ryan's computer in the dining room of the old apt. the guy that shat on the walls and the squeezed into an undersized child's coat and had to avoid people cuz he smelled bad.


  2. i think any single, maybe double, syllable words, followed by "-splosion" brings to mind vivid imagery