Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Shower Me

It broke my mom's heart, but I informed her a few weeks ago that I much prefered to drop the pretense of a surprise baby shower. Let's face it,

  • I know I'm having a baby. If I haven't caught on by now, I have bigger problems than can be fixed by spinach puffs and cheesecake.
  • I know who my friends are. I know which ones can be there.
  • I picked my sister up at the airport myself, so I know she's in town.
  • I registered for baby stuff that I wish people to "shower" me with, so I already know what sort of gifts I'm likely to receive.

If I wanted to, I could even look online to see what has and has not been checked off the registry. But I won't; it seems tacky.

Yeah, the only surprise that could come out of this would be for me to be unsuspectingly thrust before a mob of all the women I know (and their cameras) in my bacon-grease stained sweatshirt, ugly high-water maternity jeans, and bad hair. I know it hurts, Mom, but I'm fairly certain you can bear to forgo that particular pleasure, if only to allow me some rarely-requested time with a blow-dryer and some product.

The whole process of registering was a weird one for me. I felt like a spoiled kid: "I want this one in lilac, NOT grape, and I want this one in every size....actually, better make it two in every size..." Honestly, the baby-stuff store is overwhelming in itself. Endless rows of booties and bath toys; entire walls full of bottle and nipple options... I've obviously never done this before, and after being there for two hours, I realized how much I don't really know what I will want or need. If I'd stayed any longer, I would have had a melt-down in the bumpers-and-sheets aisle and the helpful staff would have had to clean up the ensuing puddle of my tears and snot.

"Why are they all pink?!?" I would cry as they carried me away. "What's a layette, anyway? I don't want a bottle warmer, I want my old jeans-size back! I want to wear sexy underwear again! I want an Oompa Loompa nanny now!!"


  1. Ok Veruca, as long as your kid does not have flippers I don't think the Oompa Loompa is necessary. Although if you happen upon a younger more female nanny, let me know. If she is an Oompa Loompa that is ok, I can work with that.

    Did you make this list all by your lonesome?

  2. no, my mom was there.

    And I'll not be privy to your weird midget nanny fantasies. No matter how Nip/Tuck inspired they are.

  3. Yeah, I got one of the Margo-classic phonecalls yesterday. Somewhere in the mix, I figured out that I was being informed that there was a baby shower, and that it was for you. I did some more digging and eventually came up with a time and location. I amaze me.

    Hopefully this party will be free of jello shots and presents involving doobies. Diaper jokes and themed "games", I will put up with, but only because I love you.

  4. Themed games I will not put up with. I am, however, braced for the inevitable "Heh heh, well, get used to (no sleep, no social life, things that smell, etc.)" jokes, and for people randomly touching me while acknowledging that they hated that when they were pregnant.

    And I wouldn't put the jello shots past my mom or some of my aunts.

  5. Seriously, though. Does your mom not like me? Do I not warrent an invite to your baby shower?

    Even though we both know that I can't come, I'd still like to send a gift.


  6. She doesn't have your phone number?